Vexing

Painted 2.10.17

Well, this was a much darker painting than I had anticipated, though I guess I should have expected it. All day, I had been rather down, after a rather large disappointment experienced the evening prior. I couldn’t get it out of my head and it bothered me all day. The fact that I had had a glass of wine the night before after not having had any alcohol for more than a month may also have had something to do with it. I always seem to find that I feel much more down the day after drinking, even if it was only two glasses. Now I’m more easily affected, or maybe just more aware of the impact it has on me.

In any case, as usual, I sat down to paint after a meditation. Though I had a pretty specific image of what I wanted to paint, something else came out. I also experimented with a new technique – well, not new, but new for me. I used paper towels to create the smudged effect. I had been feeling unsatisfied by the lines of the two paintbrushes I have. It is quite limiting. I needed, wanted, more texture.

I felt very dissatisfied and it needed to come out. And then I got high, and I instantly felt things heading down towards a darker path. It needed to happen. I was struggling with a tough decision. Deciding whether I was ok continuing with a relationship despite near certain dissatisfaction on some levels, or put an end to it sooner than later. Or at least to limit the nature of it to the space where I felt okay with it.

I wasn’t even expecting to paint a snake, honestly. Though once it came out, it made a lot of sense. I have often come across snakes in my dreams. And right now, while I was deep in the middle of deliberating on a tough situation.

It took a lot of back and forth, and some more smoking, and then a lot of writing. But ultimately, I have to make decisions about my life for myself. There is no right or wrong decision, it’s about what is right for me. I have always tried to live my life not based on what I should be doing. And why should I start now?

I had to spend some serious time thinking about what is important to me in being in relationship with another person, in the connections in my life. What will I accept and what won’t I?

I realized I can be considerate, and that doesn’t mean doing things I don’t want to do or feel comfortable with. It means I can show compassion to another party while setting the limits that I need to in order to take care of myself.

I’d like to look back on my life and say confidently that I’ve lived a hell of a life. I can’t start boxing myself into what I think I should be accepting or okay with. Part of living a hell of a life is giving myself the freedom to make mistakes. Mistakes are like punctuations in sentences. They are a turning point – if you want to take it. They create the space to shift direction, even if subtly, if at all. They create the ability to progress beyond what currently is. After a period, there is total freedom. Where would I go next?

I used to hate endings. I’m starting to love them.

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